A Confession
I feel bad. i feel like I don’t give enough time to my daughter. I feel like I should give her more time and attention. The day goes by really fast. We woke up early in the morning. We walked to school to drop her before I’m going to work. I’m at work for 8 hours a day and she’s at school for 9 hours. I know quite a long time for her to be there. But that’s how it is if you have a normal day job. I finish work half past 3 and goes straight to school to pick her. I can see her running towards me as soon as she sees me coming. I can only imagine how long time she must have been waiting to be pick up. And how happy she is to see me, her mama.
On Monday I had school. I came home fast as I could. She was the last kid in school to be picked up. My heart was broken. She looked so tired but happy to see me. She then told me; I’m the last one! I’m so so tired mommy! I felt really bad that time. But nothing I can do. Everyday when we get home, I make food and then we eat together. After that she would play, draw, paint and watch her favorite show. While I am on computer doing my homework or studying. There’s not so much time left before bedtime. Sometimes the show would finish and she would tell me, mommy it’s finished. It’s your turn now. But I am still busy doing my papers. An unfinished papers. I really want to slow down now. Sometimes I neglected my papers and just sit in sofa with her watching tv. It’s quite sad that we are both so tired when we get home and we don’t even have energy to go to the park anymore. I miss going to the park with her.
I feel like I’m not normal. I don’t feel days anymore. I just realized oh it’s already Friday???… And I feel like I missed everything. Seriously speaking I know I want to be a working mom, but I don’t know until when I can hold up. Too much stress right now with work and school and I feel like giving up. Everything has been delayed. And if I only have another option, I would like to rest. To stay home. Feel the days. Spend more time with my daughter. Wake up late. Enjoy the moment. And just making life easier without any worries. I would like to teach my child on my own. To spend 24 hours with her. And most importantly to feel happy and not feel like always running and catching up deadlines.
It may sound like I’m too much complaining now, which is probably true. I’ve dreamed about having a job and a school. And so blessed to have it now. Lately it feels like it is not for me. All of this! It feels like I’m done all my best but still not enough. It’s quite frustrating. I feel like my call is different. There’s nothing I can do but to go on and try my best more! But I do hope there’s a miracle. I keep reminding myself that there’s a lot of jobless people everywhere. People with no food and shelter. In short people who needs help and blessings more than me and, yet here I am crying for being so weak. Self pity and feeling hopeless and afraid of the future. Ahh what’s wrong with me? I need to wake up and count my blessings instead. Sorry dear God!
