This might be the hardest thing to write about here. And probably the longest blog post I have ever written. I don’t even know where to start. The thing is there is a lot of things going on behind this blog that I’ve been trying to keep in private. For example my personal life, dreams and day to day emotions and feelings that I have been dealing with. It’s so hard to put all of them in words. Especially to let you guys know what’s really going on behind all of this blogging thing! Aside from not feeling inspired to blog anything, or nothing to blog about I must say, there’s a whole big reason why… behind it. Gosh! How can I even spell these words or explain briefly?
It’s safe to say that I am lost! And when I say that, I am not sure to where I am lost. I just feel so down lately and couldn’t think clearly what I really want to do with my life. I have been dealing with insecurities. I am trying always to be strong, to be brave, to be optimistic. Sometimes things became worse and one day you’ll just realized you cannot handle it anymore. I don’t want to admit it. I don’t want to make a decision especially when I feel lost. I don’t want to make a decision now and then regret later. The truth is I am so so so afraid to face my future alone! Thinking about it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what’s waiting for me in the future. Am I ready to face the reality? Is this really what I want in my life? Do I really know what I want to do in my life? Do I really have to deal with this? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make all this things right? Why it has to be like this? Am I worthy to have experience this? Or is this what they called karma?
Never in a million years I imagine myself I came to this kind of life’s crisis. Seriously doesn’t expect this to happen so soon! The truth is I am so against this! I couldn’t believe I am now one of those people who’s dealing this kind of problem. I don’t want this to happen for heavens sake. But when things get worse and so complicated you will come to a decision where you have to do even if it’s against your belief. The hardest part about this is that I just couldn’t decide. Two options waiting for me to choose, and I don’t know which one is best! It’s not about me alone that is involve here. There’s a little angel right here that is the most important thing that I don’t want to get hurt. That I want to protect from all of these pains. This little angel who doesn’t deserve to have all of this sacrifices that adults made. Who’s supposed to be happy and live a stress free life and happy environment.
What happens when all your dreams and passion in life turns to nothing? What happens when the one who’s meant to you a lot suddenly became someone you didn’t know anymore? I don’t blame anyone than myself. I shouldn’t have let it come this far. I should’ve settle it when I still can. I should have made it work while I still can. I shouldn’t have been hardheaded and selfish. But honestly, there’s no point in having regrets now. Life is like this! Life is sweet but also very unfair. I believe that God has better plans for me. We don’t get succeed right away. There’s always left turn and right turn and when the perfect timing comes you will be completely happy with your life. I am positive and I know something good is waiting for me ahead. I just need to be patient. Something really good is waiting for me and i believe that the future will be better somehow. The key is to wait for the perfect moment and when that time comes, be happy and celebrate it. I’m not losing hope. I may be so down now, broken into pieces, but there’s something that I believe is meant for me and I will remain faithful for that until then. You can’t always get what you want in life. But you can always try your best to achieve them. Achieve those dreams and never ever give up! Everything will be worth it. It’s worth to wait!
I’m thinking and asking myself, is it really too late? Well there still be a chance to fix that is already been broken? Do I have to continue hurting myself and others? Or just move on and be happy! Things changed and so as we. I really hate when things get this far! When you want to solve but you don’t know how. When you want to stay but not sure if it still worth it. Or when one already given up and had enough! Soooo tough! What am I suppose to do? To continue being scared to face the reality or to let go and move on? The problem is I am not yet ready to choose between these two. I need a dice and let it decide for me. I hate myself for being so weak. I need to stand up and prove to myself whatever decision I’ll make I will be fine either way.
People often misunderstood you. You said something and they understand it wrong. I choose to write my feelings here than to tell them or talk about it to others I know will only judge me. I rather keep it in myself than have a sympathy and you never know if it’s real or fake. So let them say what they want. Listen with two ears but make sure you won’t get hurt or insulted by it. Life is like this. I have to make sure I’m doing the right thing. So it’s either bad or not, if it’s what’s best for me and my angel then I would choose it. If it makes me happy and is good for all, the j would do it. There isn’t a perfect timing for everything. It’s always about how you deal with your life. As they always say, “never stop dreaming”.
This isn’t a goodbye yet, you guys! I will be having a blog break for I don’t know until when. But I will be back. I have a huge things to settle and when everything’s turn as what it should be, I will come back here. I love this space so much and I don’t want to abandon this blog completely. But I need some peace and quietness in life which I’m sure what i really need right now! Thank you all for the constant support and the love.
