Finding Yourself
Sometimes things are just too much that all you want is being alone, all by yourself. Sometimes the peace you have been looking for can only be found within yourself. Not from someone else but from you, deep inside of you. Sometimes finding yourself is the best way to make you feel you! What makes you happy and what makes you sad. Yesterday was just one of those days when things are extraordinary. Since baby girl and hubby went somewhere to play, I made my own “time for me only” for an hour or so. I went to walk in the hills with my phone and music. Just exactly what I needed. I feel so relax, and I can breath freely. I am not complaining with the life, but sometimes its just so overwhelming like you cannot breath anymore. Being alone in the woods makes me think carefully and helps me refresh my mind. Happiness may come from the little things. We should be grateful we have air to breath, water to drink, house to live in, and food to eat. There is no reason to be sad or lonely, do we?
Last night I went to sauna alone. Its very hot in there but I loved it. We always forgot to turn on the sauna every weekends, last night we remember it finally. Baby girl never like going to sauna at all. She doesn’t like being in the super hot room. Hubby was busy watching ice hockey game. It was a big game Finland vs Canada, unfortunately Finland lost. So, I was in sauna like five times. I did it on purpose so I will sweat a lot. Being in there helps me to relax and breath freely. I always have sinus so being in the sauna helps my breathing improve. I sat down there thinking nothing, just enjoying myself being alone. I let my body sweat a lot and feel the hot air in my skin. It was so relaxing. Every few minutes I went to shower, and then back to sauna again. I did it for five times. Normally once or twice was enough, but I was alone and I liked it.
Last night I went to sauna alone. Its very hot in there but I loved it. We always forgot to turn on the sauna every weekends, last night we remember it finally. Baby girl never like going to sauna at all. She doesn’t like being in the super hot room. Hubby was busy watching ice hockey game. It was a big game Finland vs Canada, unfortunately Finland lost. So, I was in sauna like five times. I did it on purpose so I will sweat a lot. Being in there helps me to relax and breath freely. I always have sinus so being in the sauna helps my breathing improve. I sat down there thinking nothing, just enjoying myself being alone. I let my body sweat a lot and feel the hot air in my skin. It was so relaxing. Every few minutes I went to shower, and then back to sauna again. I did it for five times. Normally once or twice was enough, but I was alone and I liked it.
Homesickness has occurred to me again. I really do not like this feeling. Sometimes its just so hard to handle. Old memories just flashes to me in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep, or I am sleepy but does not want to sleep. The other night I think of my mother who passed many years ago. She was the most important person in my life. Losing her at 22 is so hard to accept. I cannot understand why life has to be cruel sometimes. I was just a kid, too early to lose a mother. Why things just happened like that? I was 22 that time, but for me I was still that little girl who need their mother in their everyday life. I was forced to grow up. Find job and raise myself, help little brother and sister in their school finances. I was not complaining, I was happy I was able to help, and make a living.
But I miss my mother so badly! She was the best mother in the world. She did everything for us. Not even telling us she was sick to prove to us she was fine and she can do everything for us. I wish I could turn back the time when she was still here. She was a science teacher. Every afternoon after class I went to her office (science laboratory) and waited her until the clock hits 5pm for us to go home together. Our home was 10-15 minutes walk from our school. She was very hardworking. Although both she and my father has a job as teachers, our finances was still very poor. That makes my mother do something to make some extra cash like selling juice or food during recess. We are so proud of her and we love her so dearly.
Finding yourself, maybe is the only way!
I was always a mama’s girl. I cannot sleep at night without her by my side. Well, that was when I was still a little girl. I knew how much she cared and loved us. She was our everything, and I wish she is still alive right now! But I know there is nothing I can do to bring her back. Her memories will always remain in our hearts. She may not here physically but I know she was right here wherever we are, and I can talk to her whenever I want to. I just miss her so much and it makes me feel very sad. Life must go on and I will do my best to be the best mother to my child as well, so someday when I’m gone she will miss me and remember me like what I did to my mother.
Did you ever feel sad and wants to be alone sometimes? It is completely normal, right? Have you ever missed someone special who already passed away? How did you make yourself feel better after all of this? I feel lucky that I have someone to turn onto when I am sad and wants to be alone. I have my family who loves me so dearly, and I know they supports me in whatever I do and cares for me no matter what happens. I have my husband, daughter, family and friends, they are my reasons to be happy. God is up there to help me too!
